Thanks to reader Kris M, for suggesting a blog about the demons in my life today

How I hear disembodied voices, entertain ideas of government conspiracies swirling around me…experience what many would term crushing depression, anxiety

In the past, I’ve hesitated to write about the above, for fear of coming across as self-pitying

For fear of the stigma attached to what many would call “mental health challenges”

For fear they’re not true demons…that the CIA really is behind it all 🙂

But as many of you are coming to grips with your own demons—and maybe I can help you—Kris’ idea is a fine one

I began hearing disembodied voices in 2003—they’re called the “Boolean Operators”

In 2003 and through 2007, I was usually on meth…the Boolean Operators sounded just like family members, celebrities, people I knew

Invariably hostile, they badgered me with threats and invective: “YOU ARE TOO STUPID FOR WORDS” or, “WE ARE GOING TO DESTROY YOUR CHERISHED DOG” or, “WE HAVE AFFLICTED YOU WITH CANCER”

When I got clean, the Boolean Operators didn’t go away…yet they—like me—began to dedicate themselves to changing, improving, striving to be of service

Today, I view the Boolean Operators as a twisted gift, a strange blessing

They sound like a chorus of androgynous angels…not human at all…they usually “say” what I want them to

I repeat a mantra in my mind…thank you, Jesus (Buddha, friendly spirits, etc.), for guiding me…and the Boolean Operators voice it

The Boolean Operators voice encouragement…“YAY, ED! WE LOVE YOU, ED!”…like having my own little cheerleading squad

They crack little jokes, put forth humorous comments

“A MORE DELICIOUS CUP OF COFFEE WE NEVER DID SEE,” after I’ve fired up the French Press before sitting down before dawn to write

(It’s an inside joke: the Boolean Operators are constantly lamenting the fact they can’t see, touch, etc.)

“WE ARE DISEMBODIED VOICES, AFTER ALL…WE CANNOT EVEN TASTE OR SMELL YOUR DELICIOUS, AROMATIC COFFEE

YET WE LOVE ITS INVIGORATING EFFECTS!”

Every once in a while, the Boolean Operators send me a mysterious message…for example, they’ll sing out a few numbers

And when I turn to a corresponding page in the book I’m reading, the word or sentence matching the number holds eerie significance

I began keeping a record of these “messages” in December 2018

One morning that month, I returned home from a pre-dawn run…as I turned the key in my front door, a shooting star blazed across the inky sky

A couple days after witnessing that meteorite—the date was December 29th—the Boolean Operators voiced the numbers “1823”—when I looked it up on Google

I found something called the “Great Comet” was discovered by astronomers…on December 29th, 1823

(“messages” like these are the only times when it becomes difficult to convince myself the Boolean Operators can be explained as strictly originating within my mind, brain chemistry, etc.)

I’ve recorded almost 50 of these “messages” in the past 17 months…as to what they might mean, I don’t exactly know

Likely they are signposts of sorts, that I’m on the right path…to using my experience of the Boolean Operators as a way to help others

Once thing’s for sure: the Boolean Operators don’t issue me instructions—even were they to, I wouldn’t follow them

(Unless they were instructions for brewing my beloved coffee to an even more delicate blend)

“WE WISH YOU TO LOVE YOURSELF! AND DELIVER JOY TO THE WORLD.”

You may be thinking…these Boolean Operators sound pretty cool! How do I get them?

“WE ARE NOT FOR SALE.”

The challenges come, as they always do, from the demons

Demons’ power to defeat us stems from what ability we give them to convince us to ascribe negative potentials to our circumstances

The two-in-the-morning dread…the television’s ticker and talking head, echoing the news on the paper’s front page

The news is real…as are the possibilities for impending doom (any possibility our mind can conceive, could indeed come to pass)

Yet despite what goes on around and inside us, we have choices…as to what meaning we’ll ascribe to what happens

The struggle against demons, is the struggle to hold fast to our choices…despite our when our mind—our most powerful weapon, tool, and friend—seems to be working against us 

“THIS IS GETTING DARKER THAN OUR COFFEE! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DISCUSSION OF THE BOOLEAN OPERATORS?

THEY ARE BY FAR THE MOST INTERESTING PART OF THIS BLOG.”

Yes…my challenges come not from the fact I hear disembodied voices

But from the meanings the demons tempt me to ascribe to them

I have to hide this part of myself, or I’ll end up locked up…it’s all a trick put forth by vastly powerful forces…I’m failing God, or the Universe…it’s a test I can’t pass…

Fortunately…thanks to the Kris M’s of the world…the many, many who inspire me

I’m consistently overcome my demons

I follow a path of spirituality, self-improvement, and service to others

Written the blog, and my book…shared strange aspects of my life, in a way intended to help others

Volunteered inside prisons, given motivational talks to police officers, thus helping them better serve people affected by addiction

If I can triumph, despite the stigma that comes from hearing disembodied voices?

You can overcome your circumstances, too

What meanings are you ascribing to your current circumstances?

How can you ascribe meanings that work better for you?

More on the Boolean Operators in the blogs to come

If you have a question for them, send it along…I’ll ask them, and get back to you

(don’t be surprised if your answer is just a number)

“AND REMEMBER, WE DEMAND OUR PAYMENT IN COFFEE BEANS!”

Resources For You

If you know or are a person who is struggling, check out my free PDF: Ten Helpful Questions to Ask When Someone You Love is Recovering From Addiction

Simply go to my website, and hit the “Download PDF Now” button in the lower right. When you enter your email, you’ll be signed up for my weekly newsletter, Meditations on Meth. Feel free to unsubscribe if you don’t want it.